Where I live it is summer and I start uni again in March. I have kind of cut people out this summer. It wasn’t intentional, though. I deactivated Facebook a day before my birthday because I just feel so awkward when it comes to the ‘Happy Birthday love you so much!’ *Insert embarrassing collage of photos from 4 years ago before I started taking care of my eyebrows*. But I started to feel really not good about a lot of things and have since stayed off Facebook. I don’t know, I mean, I appreciate people’s love and wishes, I just feel so awkward taking it. I guess deep down I don’t see why they would love me enough to actually put effort into a simple Facebook post, so when they do its hard for me to believe they are being genuine. I know, I know, judging by my previous posts its ME who has the issue with myself, not others. But sometimes that translates into my life and relationships with other people and can be very hindering.
Anyway back to cutting people off; I have a history of ghosting people because I am a cold-hearted bitch. It’s just so easy for me. The way I see it is: ok here’s a person that I just know I won’t have a lasting or successful relationship with, so instead of putting up with them and the potential arguments and possibly even leading them on, I’m going to end it now and skip everything to get to the end where we don’t talk. And my friends all know that. They know I’m basically the Scar (from Lion King) of ghosting. It’s so easy for me to do and I don’t feel bad at all. Hence the ‘Trash’ in my name. So because I deleted Facebook, I guess they think I’ve deleted them, but I honestly haven’t.
Being the mess that I am, it’s much easier for me to fall into and overcome a depressive episode all on my. I’m worried that talking to people about it would suddenly open the situation all up. I’m worried that if I did say anything to them, they would pull that one little loose thread on the hem of my strength and unravel it leaving me to fall apart and for them to truly see.
I’m not quite sure what to do. I know if this was an American teen sitcom, I would invite them over and we would all sit on the pink carpeted floor of my Teen Vogue inspired bedroom with a box of pizza and we would talk. I would tell them everything and we would all cry. Then they would open up and admit that they have mental health struggles too. Then we would cry someone before someone would ask ‘So is this pizza gonna eat its self or…?’ And everyone would giggle before wiping their snot smeared, tear flushed faces and dig into the pizza.
But that couldn’t be further from reality. The reality is if I ate pizza would feel so fucking angry at myself that I wouldn’t be able to eat for the next three days. The reality is that none of us would cry and giggle and makeup. We would all sit there awkwardly before someone would say ‘Well, we are always here if you need,’ which sure is nice, but we have all said that to all of our friends and we very rarely ever turn to them when shit starts to become unbearable. The reality is that I know why I have mental illnesses, I know what caused them. But I’m just too terrified to ever actually speak aloud about them.
I guess I need to reactive Facebook either tonight to tomorrow so they don’t feel that I am fully neglecting them all summer. And to think that my intentions of this posts were to talk about my anxiety surrounding friendships and link the music that I have been listening to that help calm my anxiety. Wow, I really am a mess. I guess I could still do that, though. Actually, yes, I will.
So here are 10 songs that I have been fiercely lipsynching to pretending I am a drag queen because for some reason imagining myself as a fierce ass bomb bitch queen makes me feel confident and calm. Do I need to stress how much of a mess I am? Anyway here they are:
1.) Eerie Summer – Weird Around You
This song has been floating through my soul on a cloud soaking up my tears and singing me to sleep. Its both calming and sorrowful, which somehow for the 4 minutes of the song, makes me feel weirdly content with life.
2.) Varsity – So Sad, So Sad
There is something comforting about this song. Like swimming in a pool of duvets while you float in your bed listening to the waves of the rain.
3.) Cheryl Lynn – Got To Be Real
Remember what I said about forgetting life for a few minutes and just going ham and lipsynching and feeling like a fierce ass queen? Well, this is the best song to make you feel like that. Whenever I listen to it I instantly feel a bit better because without even realizing I will bob my head or do some sneaky lil voguing. It’s I guess what they call a ‘feel good song’.
4.) Ingrid Michaelson – The Way I Am
Ingrid Michaelson gets it. She just gets it. It’s like she knew insecure, sad teenagers were going to find her music and would need something cute and positive to listen to.
5.) David Bowie – Starman
Ok, this one I really don’t quite know why, but when I heard it the first time I sat there staring into nothing because the power of the song took me soulfully on a journey that I really can’t quite explain. But I think if there were a movie about me and it ended positively, this is the song I would want playing.
6.) Heart Of Glass – Blondie
It is catchy and beautiful at the same time. Listening to it makes me feel like a free-spirited flower child.
7.) Patti Labelle – I Think About You
This song is amazing. I don’t even need to describe it. It just IS. Listen to it when you are sad, anxious, angry, happy, excited whatever it’s perfect for anyone at any time because it just makes you feel so good.
8.) Alaska Thunderfuck – The T
I listen to this when I am pissed off and while I’m listening to it I just get really into it and get pissed off about everything Alaska is saying like how people said she was a snake for winning All Stars 2 WHEN REALLY she fucking killed that show is deserved to win. SO by the time the song is over I’m not even thinking about what I was mad about.
10.) Hot Flash Heat Wave – Gutter Girl
This song makes me wanna dye the ends of my hair green and go on a road trip with art students and get abstract tattoos along the way. Its the type of song you can get reckless to and air guitar the whole way through but by the end sit down and knit because you feel oddly calm and ok.
SO YEAH! This has been a bloody long post about I don’t even know what. I think maybe once a month I will do a list of songs I like because I don’t know, it was an enjoyable song to write. If you read this whole thing then omg give me your address so I can send you flowers and a thank you note. But yeah, I guess I just need to write in order to gather my thoughts and vent a bit. Also, I know I didn’t talk about the meanings of the songs or anything but Mermaid Trash is also Shallow Trash… get it? Cos shallow, like water. Ok. I’m sorry. Anyway, comment some songs that make you feel good or that you love! I would love to hear any songs or maybe even advice that anyone has.
Mermaid Trash xx