To the girls’

To the girls’ who walk on ice.

Your feet are cold and your toes are numb. Turning blue to match your soul because the sharpness of the ice has pierced through your fragile skin bleeds out ‘please’. The ice never melts no matter how long ago it formed. Because just like an iceberg, there is more beneath. Beneath is where the truth lies and the pain of the truth is freezing you from the bottom of your body up. You can try to run but your legs have become frozen sticking in the sickly grasp of the pulsing ice. It breaths yes and no and hail rains from your eyes because the ice is always right there slowly freezing you. Slowly freezing you into a blizzard of a stolen life.

To the girls’ whose soles of their feet carry the wrong body.

The blizzard has trapped you and taken you hostage. Your warm, comfortable eyes have been replaced with buttons you ripped off your woolen jacket that was not keeping you sunny. If it was, the blizzard would be over. But the blizzard has captured you and screamed at you from the inside out to give in and give up. This is not your body anymore. There is a blizzard inside you and it travels through your veins like taking a shot of vodka a new person emerges through the drunkness. She is not you but you never down buzz. The blizzard does not come out the next morning vomiting regret and dirt you stay drunk off the blizzard and not because of the high altitude. Because of your sun, your sun that is meant to melt the ice and shine love on your face has been ripped out in a bloody mess through your vulnerable body what could I have done to make it stop, I want my sun what can I do to make it stop?

To the girls’ who never got a chance to become the women they were meant to be because their mind, their body, their life and their sun was stolen.

You never stop wondering about how beautiful your sun could have been. You never stop thinking about the rays you could have beamed to melt another person’s ice. You never stop thinking about being the Frankenstein of real life that you are. And as long as you live in the blizzard, that is all you ever will be. But this doesn’t have to be your blizzard. It’s his blizzard he created and left inside you. It’s time trek out. Carry your frozen feet through the angry snow and let it bite off your toes along the way because you don’t need this body anymore. It is time to find your sun. You were meant to be a completely different person. But the person that you were meant to be is gone. And you never will be her. But you can become a new person. You can write a new reality and you can find a new body. And you can create a new sun.

To the women who were abused.

You are brave, you are warm, and you are bright.

Bright enough to melt an entire blizzard.

-Mermaid Trash.

 

feelings and music and a whole lotta trash

Where I live it is summer and I start uni again in March. I have kind of cut people out this summer. It wasn’t intentional, though. I deactivated Facebook a day before my birthday because I  just feel so awkward when it comes to the ‘Happy Birthday love you so much!’ *Insert embarrassing collage of photos from 4 years ago before I started taking care of my eyebrows*. But I started to feel really not good about a lot of things and have since stayed off Facebook. I don’t know, I mean, I appreciate people’s love and wishes, I just feel so awkward taking it. I guess deep down I don’t see why they would love me enough to actually put effort into a simple Facebook post, so when they do its hard for me to believe they are being genuine. I know, I know, judging by my previous posts its ME who has the issue with myself, not others. But sometimes that translates into my life and relationships with other people and can be very hindering.

Anyway back to cutting people off; I have a history of ghosting people because I am a cold-hearted bitch. It’s just so easy for me. The way I see it is: ok here’s a person that I just know I won’t have a lasting or successful relationship with, so instead of putting up with them and the potential arguments and possibly even leading them on, I’m going to end it now and skip everything to get to the end where we don’t talk. And my friends all know that. They know I’m basically the Scar (from Lion King) of ghosting. It’s so easy for me to do and I don’t feel bad at all. Hence the ‘Trash’ in my name. So because I deleted Facebook, I guess they think I’ve deleted them, but I honestly haven’t.

Being the mess that I am, it’s much easier for me to fall into and overcome a depressive episode all on my. I’m worried that talking to people about it would suddenly open the situation all up. I’m worried that if I did say anything to them, they would pull that one little loose thread on the hem of my strength and unravel it leaving me to fall apart and for them to truly see.

I’m not quite sure what to do. I know if this was an American teen sitcom, I would invite them over and we would all sit on the pink carpeted floor of my Teen Vogue inspired bedroom with a box of pizza and we would talk. I would tell them everything and we would all cry. Then they would open up and admit that they have mental health struggles too. Then we would cry someone before someone would ask ‘So is this pizza gonna eat its self or…?’ And everyone would giggle before wiping their snot smeared, tear flushed faces and dig into the pizza.

But that couldn’t be further from reality. The reality is if I ate pizza would feel so fucking angry at myself that I wouldn’t be able to eat for the next three days. The reality is that none of us would cry and giggle and makeup. We would all sit there awkwardly before someone would say ‘Well, we are always here if you need,’ which sure is nice, but we have all said that to all of our friends and we very rarely ever turn to them when shit starts to become unbearable. The reality is that I know why I have mental illnesses, I know what caused them. But I’m just too terrified to ever actually speak aloud about them.

I guess I need to reactive Facebook either tonight to tomorrow so they don’t feel that I am fully neglecting them all summer. And to think that my intentions of this posts were to talk about my anxiety surrounding friendships and link the music that I have been listening to that help calm my anxiety. Wow, I really am a mess. I guess I could still do that, though. Actually, yes, I will.

So here are 10 songs that I have been fiercely lipsynching to pretending I am a drag queen because for some reason imagining myself as a fierce ass bomb bitch queen makes me feel confident and calm. Do I need to stress how much of a mess I am? Anyway here they are:

1.) Eerie Summer – Weird Around You

This song has been floating through my soul on a cloud soaking up my tears and singing me to sleep. Its both calming and sorrowful, which somehow for the 4 minutes of the song, makes me feel weirdly content with life.

2.) Varsity – So Sad, So Sad

There is something comforting about this song. Like swimming in a pool of duvets while you float in your bed listening to the waves of the rain.

3.) Cheryl Lynn – Got To Be Real

Remember what I said about forgetting life for a few minutes and just going ham and lipsynching and feeling like a fierce ass queen? Well, this is the best song to make you feel like that. Whenever I listen to it I instantly feel a bit better because without even realizing I will bob my head or do some sneaky lil voguing. It’s I guess what they call a ‘feel good song’.

4.) Ingrid Michaelson – The Way I Am

Ingrid Michaelson gets it. She just gets it. It’s like she knew insecure, sad teenagers were going to find her music and would need something cute and positive to listen to.

5.) David Bowie – Starman

Ok, this one I really don’t quite know why, but when I heard it the first time I sat there staring into nothing because the power of the song took me soulfully on a journey that I really can’t quite explain. But I think if there were a movie about me and it ended positively, this is the song I would want playing.

6.) Heart Of Glass – Blondie

It is catchy and beautiful at the same time. Listening to it makes me feel like a free-spirited flower child.

7.) Patti Labelle – I Think About You

This song is amazing. I don’t even need to describe it. It just IS. Listen to it when you are sad, anxious, angry, happy, excited whatever it’s perfect for anyone at any time because it just makes you feel so good.

8.) Alaska Thunderfuck – The T

I listen to this when I am pissed off and while I’m listening to it I just get really into it and get pissed off about everything Alaska is saying like how people said she was a snake for winning All Stars 2 WHEN REALLY she fucking killed that show is deserved to win. SO by the time the song is over I’m not even thinking about what I was mad about.

10.) Hot Flash Heat Wave – Gutter Girl

This song makes me wanna dye the ends of my hair green and go on a road trip with art students and get abstract tattoos along the way. Its the type of song you can get reckless to and air guitar the whole way through but by the end sit down and knit because you feel oddly calm and ok.

SO YEAH! This has been a bloody long post about I don’t even know what. I think maybe once a month I will do a list of songs I like because I don’t know, it was an enjoyable song to write. If you read this whole thing then omg give me your address so I can send you flowers and a thank you note. But yeah, I guess I just need to write in order to gather my thoughts and vent a bit. Also, I know I didn’t talk about the meanings of the songs or anything but Mermaid Trash is also Shallow Trash… get it? Cos shallow, like water. Ok. I’m sorry. Anyway, comment some songs that make you feel good or that you love! I would love to hear any songs or maybe even advice that anyone has.

Much love,

Mermaid Trash xx

Because.

Because I do not know.

Because I haven’t left the house in a week and my friends are becoming annoyed.

‘You don’t talk to any of us,’

I just don’t know how to anymore.

‘He thinks you’re mad at him.’

I’m sorry.

Because my anxiety has been so bad that today I sat with a number punched in my phone for 50 minutes before I finally pressed call only to be directed straight to an answerphone.

Because sometimes my head sinks down and the waves overlap. They crush me and sweep my body out into the vast nothingness. Because out there I can scream and scream and scream and only be acknowledged by the soundwaves laughing in the water showing me how empty it all is.

Because my Mum wants me to go to therapy again but I am just too afraid, but the problem is that I’m afraid to face the thing that has made me afraid of everything.

Because fear is how I rationalize being irrational.

Because I do not know how to be a human because right when I was figuring out how to be a human, my body and mind were taken away.

Because some people are so sick that they need to watch another person become sick so they can understand why they became sick.

Because I can’t stop.

Because I am a mess.

Because I don’t want this life, I want the life I was meant to have.

I was meant to be a completely different person.

But I never got the chance.

Because my body was stolen from me.

And now because of that, I just don’t know.

-Mermaid Trash.

 

Fake Girl

crumbling bones breath out smoke

woolen eyes leak out riptides

the body of a Fake Girl screams in silence.

 

footsteps turn grass to ash

touching turns others to stone

the person of a Fake Girl murders in silence.

 

the stone others fade into the fog

while she is left

the Fake Girl is dragged further, further back.

 

weeds hiss and coil over her Fake Legs

burying her in photosynthesis crying

“i’m trying to help you,”

but she can’t be helped because she is a Fake Girl.

 

Fake Things happen to real people

those people are left

and they become Fake

nothing she feels is real

because the feeling of being real was stolen from her.

 

her body

her mind

her sense of being

 

it was all stolen and she was left

so she became a Fake Girl

and that is all she will ever be.

 

 

If you read that emotional vomit of words, thanks. I haven’t posted (or attempted) poetry in a few months so lul sorry if this was a lil shabby. Also, I’m not quite sure why, but New Years always makes me feel insanely cold. Which is ironic because it’s summer where I am. I’m not sure maybe I just feel overwhelmed with the holiday season. It’s my birthday on Saturday so maybe that contributes to the nerves and sadness. I’m really not sure. But anyway thanks for listening to my teenage angst and such. Hope everyone had a good Christmas and New Years but if not, hey, at least its over.

Much love-

Mermaid Trash

 

 

 

 

 

Missing Body

I have never felt comfortable.

You know that scene in all those adventure movies where there is a cliff, a giant drop leading to death, and then another cliff? And the superhuman characters will either turn their legs into springs and miraculously jump right to the other side? Or find some sort of incredibly long, strong but also a light tree that they can boof down with one ego boosting masculine shoulder shove? Well, thats how I have always felt. Except there is no smiling spring in my step and I’m not brave enough to try and fight my way across with strength. I am standing on one cliff and my body, comfortable and secure, my body is on the other cliff moving further and further away making me feel more and more distant.

I’m tired of hearing ‘You’re a teenager, you are meant to be insecure. It’s how you learn to love yourself.’ I have felt that my body is not my body since I was six years old. I don’t mean this in any sort of way related to gender identity. Biologically, I am a female and that is who I am and identify as. I also understand and acknowledge that I am very privileged because of that. But at six years old I felt that the puffy skin on my body was sewn on me one night in my sleep. That my legs felt plastic, like my Barbie dolls, artificial and all though I could move them, I didn’t feel like I created them or owned them. I felt my torso was a cast, forced to hold my organs together, forced to hold my screams in. I have always felt like I am on the other side of the cliff. The longer time travels, the further my body on the other side travels away. I thought I was meant to be learning to love myself, when really, I just feel less and less of a self.

I am worried that the older I get the less I will become. I am worried that my smile will become something I have to stamp on with frustration. I am worried that I will have to choke down my words into the angry air of my lungs holding my screams in so no one hears them. I am worried that my eyes will become mimes and mimic the batting and flirting of the other eyes lined with fake wings, wings that don’t take them anywhere other than a mirror to check if they have smudged. I am worried I am becoming artificial. But most of all, I’m worried that no one will understand. I’m worried that by the time someone does understand I will be completely plastic and artificial, thrown out in the recycling bin.

I’m not quite sure what the point of writing this was. Maybe I just needed to see my thoughts written down so I know they have not become plastic. Yet. Maybe I just need to have this documented so when I really do feel I have entirely lost my body, I can read this and maybe it will lead me down the path to find it. Even if that means crossing the abyss to the other cliff.

-Mermaid Trash

Films from the Heart

So I have just finished my first year of Univeristy and whilst I should be out drinking and laughing until the moon frowns upon me, I have instead been staying home and sleeping. Ahhh, sleep. Dear, sweet, underrated sleep. I have missed indulging in you. However, when I am not sleeping I have just felt like drowning in my bed under the ocean of my blankets and watching movies.

So this is the whole reason I have made this blog post. It is a bit different from my usual teenage-depressed-graveyard-poetry that I have been really into lately. But I think that’s what I like about having a free blog, there’s no theme, no restrictions. It just IS. It doesn’t have to be anything in particular because this blog is just here to be. Just be. That is something I have always found immensely hard to do and accept so this blog is a nice outlet for that.

Ok so back to the ACTUAL reason I have made this post. Movies. When I was in High School I was a massive film buff. I had aspirations of taking film courses at University to broaden my knowledge and love for the cinematic arts. Once at the beginning of the year in High School, one of my teachers wanted to get to know everyone in the class a little bit. So we had to come up with three facts about ourselves to tell him. One of the facts I said was ‘I love movies,’ because I really felt that my love for film was part of who I was. And I know the teacher was not trying to shit on my golden halo that film was to me, but I couldn’t help but feel a bit offended when he replied ‘Well, everyone likes movies.’ I wanted to scream ‘MOVIES ARE MY LIFE!’ Because back then they really were. But I also realized he was right. Everyone likes movies. Everyone has a genre that makes their souls dance up their throats burning it with desire and passion as they swallow it back down placing it in their hearts forever.

So I was wondering, what genre or movies do that to you? For me, The Perks of Being a Wallflower has always successfully evoked that feeling. The book as well. Also Spirited Away, Another Earth, Lilo and Stitch, Juno and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind are all films I hold close to my heart.

What are movies that you hold dear? What are the movies that just give you all the feels about being alive and being a human with a beating heart and just being? I really would like to find some new movies to watch as I float away with the current on my bed. If you have any that make you feel those things please let me know! I know I rambled on for about 300 words about kind of nothing but the whole point of this blog was to ask my fellow bloggers out there, what are the movies that mean something to you? I hope a few of you leave comments because otherwise, well, what an awkward blog post to make. Anyway, I hope anyone reading this had a peaceful and content day of just being.

-Mermaid Trash

When I Became A Graveyard

Graveyards climb up my throat

dead flowers held by the hands of skeletons .

Breathing out bones

i crumble.

Withered into the earth

i am sand i am dirt and am an ex-existence.

Graveyards sprout over me

and flowers bloom in my hands.

My skeleton hands taking away the existence i was

and leaving me gone.

-Mermaid Trash